Ashamed

I can't stop thinking about something I did a while ago that I should not have done. I'm afraid that it's about to bring a world of shame on my friends and family and potentially embarrass me for a long time. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I should have been more careful. I am such a dumbass. I wish it would go away....but I am worried it won't. I'm talking of course about ...a commercial for The Olive Garden.

Last summer I shot this really crappy commercial. And the thing is...they tricked me. When I auditioned for it...they were like, 'yeah just improvise whatever you want and make it funny'. Cool. I'm down with that. So I did and they laughed. I remember in the audition just being really sarcastic and shitty to the waitress and thinking to myself, 'they'll never let me do this'. Sure enough..I was right. The Olive Garden is no place for sarcasm. When I got to the shoot, they came up and gave me this script that was totally SERIOUS and SINCERE. 'Honey, tonight I want to take you to the Olive Garden.....mmmm this linguini is my favorite....may I have some more delicious breadsticks....wow, what a value!' Crap like that that makes you want to blow your head off.


So now I live in terror. Every time I see an Olive Garden commercial I'm ready to soil my pants. I know they are gonna run this thing and SUPERDOUCHE is gonna be there smiling and taking a huge, smiley bite of pasta and talking about how me and my wife are gonna come back every monday night. And they're gonna cut out the part where I said, 'and when we go home afterwards we're gonna dress up in medieval garb and have furious sex!'


Seriously. Right about now, I wish I could break into people's houses and steal their TV's. Almost as much as when I hosted some shitball show called, 'Celebrity Pool'. Smart move jackass! 'It's just like Celebrity Poker but not as entertaining because it's pool.' 'Sounds great -I'm in!'


From now on, I am going to quit drinking so much liquor during the day. It's obviously forcing me to make lame decisions. And if you happen to be watching TV someday and see me swallowing a huge load of pasta..and grinning ear to ear, just know I'm crying on the inside.


You have my permission to ridicule me mercilessly about this. Be brutal. Really humiliate me. Maybe then, when somebody sneaks up to my place in the middle of the night and spraypaints, 'WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE FAMILY....COCKBITER!' on my home..I will learn my lesson.