BASIC INSTINCT 2: What Went Wrong?

This past weekend I went to see Basic Instinct 2 and apparently I was the only one who did. BI2 was supposed to be a huge box office hit but it took everyone for surprise when it tied for 10th place at the with Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector and that movie doesn't even have any fingerbanging in it. C'mon, what is the world coming to?

People are wondering what went wrong....I'm here to help.

1.) First of all, was the first movie even good enough to warrant a sequel? All I remember is a shot of Sharon Stone's junk and an ice pick. I challenge you to remember more.

2.) Secondly, if you are going to forgo characters and plot and base an entire sequel on a crotch shot, chances are that you're making a porn. More importantly, if you're making a sequel based on a crotch shot, don't wait 14 years. Maybe it's me, but I don't want to see Denise Richards and Neve Campbell reunite in a sequel to Wild Things in 2024. If you're going to make a sequel, make it quick before the crotch ages because at this point, she needs to put that thing away in a pair of granny panties.

3.) Use the word "come" sparingly. Maybe it's sexy the first 15-20 times but after that you are kinda pushing it. I believe I counted it used at least 100 times throughout this 114 minute film. That's like once a minute.

4.) Sequels should be bigger and better than the original but in this movie there was Less Sex, Less Plot, and No Michael Douglas. It was like watching Star Wars: The Phantom Menace all over again.

5.) Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of Choose Your Own Adventures but when you see a mystery movie you kinda want a resolution to the "mystery". Basic Instinct 2 ended like Clue: The Movie. There are literally 3 different solutions to the crime but they don't tell you which one is actually true. Clue even did that.

6.) Plastic surgery makes the body scary! Really scary! Trust me! I just got shivers thinking about the hot tub scene. In this movie, Sharon Stone's breasts seemed more deadly than any ice pick and I mean that literally. They were so pointed they could stab you in the gullet.

7.) Unless it's a cop's name, don't use the title of the movie in the movie. Sharon Stone's character, when referencing the content of her books, says "You know they're about the basic instincts." I really wanted her to say, "You know they're about the Basic Instincts...2...(awkward pause)...Risk Addiction..(party guest clears throat)...Right, anyway I'm going to go now."

8.) And Finally, if this is the first line of your movie:

Guy: I can't move.
Sharon Stone: You don't have to, you are in a car.

Stop writing! Immediately!


There are so many more little details about this trainwreck, that I'd love to mention but if you haven't seen it you'll have no idea what I'm talking about. But here's a brief list of some things that still plague me...

-For a sexy woman, she carries around really bulky, weird, touristy lighters.
-Why does the court-appointed therapist practice in the Baxter building?
-Is Choke-Fucking in?
-Is sex suppposed to be scary?
-Why is it so easy to get off a murder charge in London?
-David Thewlis has the best mustache in the biz.
-Why doesn't the S&M prostitute rat out the shrink immediately?
-How can the first five minutes be so good and the next hundred be so bad?
-I miss the subtle dialogue of Showgirls scribe Joe Esterhaus.

If you saw this movie, I'd love to hear your favorite moments.....